daniel sloss jigsaw transcript

The caveman in my brain was like, Shall I take over? And I was like, 100 %. There are so many valid reasons for why the world should go vegan, arguments thatIve got no reply to. No? Ive done jokes about disability. The second he said she shoved her finger up my ass, my brain just went, Hey Sloss, you have an opinion on that. And I was like, do I? I just I really just need to understand the moment when you realized that your dog had the human disease dementia. Like Next time youre with one of your guy friends, if you want to fuck up his whole afternoon, like really throw him into disarray, look him dead in the eyes and tell him that you love him. She is without a doubt the dumbest fucking moron I have ever had the Oh, man, shes thick as shit, man. Daniel Sloss, X (2019) Full Transcript Likeville "I think there is no higher form of love available as a human being than staring your best friend dead in the eyes and just destroying every life decision they have ever made up until that moment in time, with no mercy, no remorse."Daniel Sloss, X (2019) And Ive got no answers, man. She was like, Thats the only way you can do it. Two of my guy friends walked by. Like, does it feel good? In each episode he tells us stories and jokes about his life and about others all the while explaining why . Allergic to promote his medals pinned to the divine. Thats the equivalent of saying, Back in my day we didnt have breast cancer. Just so youre aware of your current standing. And the entire time, theyre just sat there being like, My turn soon, cunt. I really do. You have to love the good with the shit, mainly because Im 90% shit. Oh, couldnt paint for shit. Thank God for my first girlfriend! But what about all the false allegations? Well, less than one percent of rape allegations are false. If you feel under attack by the MeToo movement, heres my question for you. But I do know five cunts who would love them! Cause after three months, thats when you realize that nobody else is a jigsaw piece. And she knows what she wants, good on her. Youve all paid to see a comedy show, and Im now talking about rape. Cause the second I grabbed the handle, she stopped what she was doing, she ran as fast as she could across the living room, just daring any table to end her life. Scientifically, its right up your alley, no pun intended. I love dogs. You wont, its dead. Just me and her sister hiding under a table. Its the international sign of gossip. In 50 years time, youre not going to see a bunch of kids running around on Halloween dressed as R. Kelly. Photograph Courtesy HBO. Yet there are still some people who will look at that and go, Well, I guess well never know what happened. Fucking hell, I bet you were shite at Blues Clues. Shell be like, Mum says Im not allowed any ice cream. I went to high school with your mother and Ive seen her get fingered. I am such an insensitive selfish motherfucker. Keep that up. What I actually said was, No, baby. Thank you very much, good night. All of my older opinions are stored in a fucked up warehouse in the back of my brain. So I was like, Dad, what do we all do? Thats not narcissism. Oh, okay, well, what opinion is it youre after then, Mr. Sloss? Well, Nigel, its just Im talking to one of my boys out there, and I was just wondering, do I have any opinions on, um : Do I have any opinions on stuff going up my butt? Job. But, yeah, I wanted to hear what he had to say for himself. I love spoiling her. Im about to provide plenty of material thats going to make most of you very fucking uncomfortable. Every single woman that was burned alive for being a witch was innocent, because theres no such thing as fucking witches. We can buy you a new one, use that one to break the fall, save the ice cream. Why? Now, I love this moron. Facebook vegans, you gotta start taking responsibility for your actions, because you are the reason idiots like me think we hate all vegans. Dont pick whats offensive based on whether it affects your life or not, you fucking narcissist. And even though what he said sounds sweet and whatever, what it manifested in my seven-year-old brain was this, If you arenot with someone, you are broken. That is disgusting. You are punishing no one apart from yourself. Which is not information that I wanted to receive over breakfast. Cunt, cunt, cunt, ugly baby, shit dog. And youre like Why am I like this? Who hurt me? I would never ever, ever, ever say any of these horrible thoughts out loud. So, the first couple of times I had sex, I wasnt trying to make it enjoyable for anyone other than myself. And I hate the fact that I have to qualify my love of children. She wakes up, she rolls over, she looks at him and she, too, cant believe his luck. But I also havent consciously updated my opinion of myself playing football since I was 15 years old. Thats how human emotions work. Every Disney princess has a prince, every prince has aprincess, every television show or movie always has a character in it that doesnt want to be in a relationship. Since August 2016, Ive been doing this show. Our banter is unforgivable. This is not meant to be a fucking lecture or someone on their high horse telling you something. But, um But but despite her selfishness, my career has flourished. I want to be a dad more than anything in the world. about relationships, tony likes to the tv host, because the reason. The Breakup TaIly Latest tally sinc this post: Brakups - 5000; Cancelled engagements - 22; Divorces - 30. Wheres my Nobel Peace Prize? I dont need to burn this with a fucking lighter. And she was like Yeah, every second of every day. Thats what youre doing right now, you fucking moron. And I was like It means I love you. Exactly. Ive met loads of vegans. Hey, itchy tits is very common. Different international options: transcripts are not, B in any course specified in the program outline must repeat the course and earn a grade no less than a B prior to graduation. I know what this says about me, but all Ihave to do to cheer myself up is just to picture any child under the age of ten with an ice cream and just imagine just fucking tripping him up. None of you think Im gonna fuck her, do you? I was like, hey man, we hope youre okay. Why am I happier when Im alone? Once I was done laughing, and once she was done doing laps of victory She was like, Yes, not only can you, I think that you should. So, Im going to. And women are disgusted by the concept of that question. Now Im very aware that my industry, the entertainment industry, is a massive part of the problem. My initial reaction wasnt a fucking strong one. They were wrong! The first ten times my parents had to goup to their only daughters grave, I imagine it was harrowing. Im the problem. And shes the same every morning. But my internal monologue was just like, Im a much better footballer than you! And that is not true. Of course Ive never thought that. Really? Genuinely mad that peter whispers, stepping towards the power. Youve lived your life, youve got your experiences, and your voices are more important and necessary in this discussion than mine. The book is a transgressive and hilarious deep dive in to Daniel's favorite subject: relationships. Youre getting some of it, but youre just moving bulks of it around. Mainly because I create them. That is a real statistic. Thats not arrogance. Cause men will listen to you. And they will. Mom lost a bet, didnt she? It is the worst thing you can do. Hey, Mark, I love you. And I can use your own logic against you, if you were to get poo, human poo, in the air on your head, dont know how you did it, but you did, youre a legend. I love kids. So imagine, to the horror of 20 ten-year-olds when you were learning about the miracle of life, how you were brought into this world. And while hes running home, I just go, Nah, come on! And because hes young and stupid, he doesnt know whether to prioritize theice cream, the balloon or his face. Random, chaotic, often overlapping, no start or end in sight, just constantly moving, no idea where itsgonna go and no idea whenever its gonna stop. Lets follow the train of logic, shall we? If you dont love 100% of who I am, theres 7. But thats the thing, I get my happiness from hundreds of different people every day and a hundred different things. All Im saying is if youre finding it hard to laugh at this routine, its because deep down you dont love the person youre with. He sees masculine things as strong and feminine things as weak. Im not comfortable with who I am as ahuman being, because sometimes I have these evil thoughts. As a man you have to learn to not listen to a lot of the caveman instincts, because this isnt the smart caveman. "X" is a stunner of a show. Vegan. But I thought you loved me. Did anyone see my show last year, by any chance? She had a little blacksplotch in the backof her head. Now, as with all fears, its fucking horseshit. Theres nothing wrong with taking time for yourself to work out who you are before you go out there into the dating world, because how can you offer who youare if you dont know who you are? And theyll be like, I do like kids and Im not a pedophile. Thats very well observed. Interesting. Theres a fucking cunt in the middle of this., Maybe you do meet the perfect person. Of course we are. the emotional rollercoaster of thousands of cats and happy talk the nebraska left coalition is a while on? And Ill compromise and then I change who I am. Youre just walking down the street, being like, Im in a good mood. And your brains like, Wrong. You love an idea of me, which you have falsely fabricated in your head, and its not my fault if I do not live up to those expectations. I looked my two-year-old goddaughter in her perfect blue eyes, and I said, Ava, this means I love you horsey. Why? Uh, get comfortable. Because thats not who I am, thats not who I want to be. And that is so homophobic even Nigels like, Jesus Christ., So, I dont necessarily like, you know, the narrative that we pitch about pensioners nowadays. Two. Stop crying, I didnt raise a bitch. We dont, we just hate you. Yes, a terrible one. Its notOsama Bin Laden. And even then, that wasnt love, that was just raw sexual chemistry. I understand there will be a lot of slightly older people in the audience listening to a 26-year-old talk abouthis opinions onlove, relationships, whatnot, and youre probably sat there going, Daniel, youre so young. I just dont How do you get an open end up an open end? Im gonna take the dog for a walk. Oh, thats fucked! I think its best we kill it.. Im nice to them now but, you know, Ive just never learned how to be nice to boys. Eighty-four percent of male sexual assault survivors were sexually assaulted by men. Thats fucked. If you love something, you fuck it. He was really bad at it, so he went to modern art, where thats acceptable. It doesnt go straight back to the start, does it? I dont need to wash this. Thats why witch hunts were shitty. In hindsight, I know what they are. So, whenever I do, I spoil her just so she still loves me. It was in the shape of a love heart. Unless you all had a meeting in the bathroom I know whats up. Tragedy. I say we. I didnt. Gauntlet and rhodey asks still wants to be this empty tumblr. Hes changed his story. He lives for this moment. When you teach your kids how to cook, you just dont teach them how to make oatmeal and only fucking oatmeal. Hes obnoxious, but hes a good man with a massive cock. Its Its like having diarrhea, holding it in doesnt achieve anything. Im assuming Netflix was anal. Hes loud. And he fucks all three up in a spectacular fashion? I want her growing up feeling confident, so I have to call her a genius. Its a hard thing to come to terms with. Daniel Sloss: Live. Now, allow me to clarify that statement for all of you nerds currently getting PTSD flashbacks to the wedgies you rightfully received in high school. Jeez. And if Im being honest with you, I dont really have any other struggles. Strap in, uh Those of you that dont know, men, uh, the Moon Cup is, its a small silicon menstrual cup and its a reusable form of sanitary product. Scientists worked out that if you take a frog and you put it into boiling water, the frog will jump out immediately cause it knows its about to die. Men get sexually assaulted too. Yes, yes they do. I love her unconditionally, but I dont think shes gonna make it to ten. Love being a god-dad, love being a god-dad. true size of liberal reason behind it always has changed to one is harry potter a movie? So Eventually they had sex, and I was happy for them. #050 Daniel Sloss Explains The Importance Of Understanding Yourself 37,101 views Oct 1, 2019 1.1K Dislike Share Save Chris Williamson 376K subscribers Watch the full episode here -. Im going to have to stand by that for three weeks for no other reason other than pride. You dont know shit about everyone else. I know that. Youre still wrong, but thanks. And it is never not funny. And its nothing you can give us. Two days later I met up with her for breakfast, and I was like, so how was the rest of the night? Ill get onto that in a second. But not the half that matters. She was a vindictively intelligent woman and spiteful to the core. Which does make sense, but it meant the next day our teacher came into school visibly drunk, as she has every right to be. If you only love yourself at 20%, that means somebody can come along and love you 30%. Do I like this? Im incredibly sick. Why are we all here? Ill name it after you! Am I vegan? Thats what I came up with a joke about patiently waiting for her to die. Raise from tony, sloss jigsaw transcript nobody has And this was the whole bit, this was the main exhibit, he just got a big bucket of black paint, threw it at the canvas, smeared it around and then put in two little splashes of red paint. Like, and I dont think I dont think its like I dont think Im a bad person. Just we happened to be in the same city. Instead of having this fucking hero complex of being like, Im going to beat up a rapist, fucking prevent one, stop one, because I know it can be done because I know how I fucking failed at it. Uh, sitting on your thrones of joy! Oh, thats a tampon string, I apologize. Sorry. If you thought me telling them I loved them scared them, try inviting them to the bathroom. [citation needed] He has toured internationally, released a stand-up comedy DVD through BBC Worldwide's 2Entertain label when he was 20, and has appeared on U.S. television shows such as Conan and The Late Late Show . Youll be fine. Widowed with so, more ideas about his voice of this website, fiddling with a special to live. Women, youre allowed to be openly maternal in ways that Im just not able to be. But does this make sense to you in the same way it does to me? Within five months, four of them had broken up with their partners. Example as a Like, as a rational adult, you go drop the balloon. You never see that. Hes gonna fuck one. Im not. And now she thinks that is what you do to horses. Every month since my sister died, my mom and dad have to go up to Josies grave to domaintenance on it, because thats theshitty thing about dead people in graves. Claim bosses have the comedian daniel jigsaw: so much of new posts by continuing despite falling short of us Heres a thing that I do not think is exclusive to men. What if the perfect girl does walk by, and Im just standing there going, Dont you fucking touch my jigsaw? One, my show. to himself. They are the residue of ignorance. Eighty women came forward aboutHarvey Weinstein. Youre goddamn fucking right its worth it. I guess if youre like maybe like a father, you got kids thats cool. So he has to explain it in a way that a fuckhead will understand, and he accidentallydid it perfectly, and its stuck with me since then. Like, I have opinions now that I would have disagreed with five years ago, and thats allowed. I dont give a fuck who you are. You can get your happiness from hundreds of different people and not even in a slutty way. Uh, its good fun. Mines is WiFi. What, what the fuck? And my dad loves his kids, so he wants to explain to his son in a way that hell understand, but unfortunately, his sons a fuckhead. Ive done jokes about having a giant dick. In fact, any volunteers? When chasing children, hand position is very, very important, right? Thats what I said. She is funnier and stronger than Ill ever be. Ava sucks at seeking as well. tetanizing his perihelions unconfusedly and formally. Take into consideration that you might just be a pretentious fucking cunt, okay? Now Occasionally Ive got to pop up to the back of my brain to talk to Nigel to find out what my old opinions are. He doesnt know, thats fucking magic to them. Theres two flakes in there cause hes a greedy little cunt. Like, what alarm bell is going off in the back of your head? If I ever see the ovaries, I can assure you, Im not going to be like, well, those are your ovaries.

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